Linda’s sexcolumn – What’s up? WhatsApp!

Naughty text messages and raunchy phone calls are outdated! The newest fad is called WhatsApp-sex.

Nowadays, instead of groaning dirty phantasies trough the phone, people send filthy texts and images to the other person’s display and wait until they get an equally saucy reply. Erotic? Not really! It’s more a matter of convenience, as such a WhatsApp-sex-talk can easily be done on the side – while How I Met Your Mother is on, for example, or during dinner. Additionally, typing is less exhausting than talking. Is my generation simply too lazy for phone sex then?

The answer is: yes! I received three obvious proposals on my WhatsApp-chat last week, but zero indecent phone calls. The first one started out innocently: “I often think about you before I fall asleep.” How sweet, I thought and replied in those exact words. And told my friend Gertrud about it with whom I was enjoying an after work vodka at St. Joseph’s Pub at that time. “Um, you know what most guys do right before falling asleep, right?” she burst my bubble. “Come on!” I dismissed her predication. „He didn’t mean it that way!“ But some doubts remained. “What exactly are you think about?” I texted back. The answer came soon after: „Your lips, your legs, your…“ Right. Not so sweet after all!

Not even two hours later an old buddy got in touch. I hadn’t heard from him ever since he got together with his girlfriend. To my surprise they were still together, which made me feel even more delighted with the unexpected approach. After the usual polite questions I proposed going for drinks sometime soon and said good night. Before I could turn it off, my mobile vibrated. “What are you wearing in bed?” Got. To. Be. Kidding! Politely but firmly I made it clear for him to drop this bullshit; or, even better, harass his girlfriend with such horny questions. But he didn’t let it go. Not even my lie about the night braces scared him off. The only way to make him stop was talking straight: I told him that such behavior was not okay when having a girlfriend. What I didn’t tell him, was, that such behavior was not okay in any case, since we were friends – and nothing more!

Soon I had to reprimand the next one of my friends. This time there was no way around the “listen-we-are-just-friends-so-please-stop-texting-me-suggestive-messages!”-talk. Up to today I haven’t heard from him again. Instead, I had an image of an old flame’s penis in all its glory on my display – sent without being asked, notabene! It is quite depressing that my phone gets more action than I do! This is mostly Gertrud’s fault though, as she keeps sending me the pictures of her newest conquests. Whether she asks permission before she snaps shots of their soapy bodies under the shower, or merely waits for a moment when the gents don’t pay attention, I do not know. I’m guessing it’s about fifty-fifty. In any case, I find a sweaty butt or hairy chest around three times a week on my phone. With so many nude pictures it is hard to remember to delete all of them.

It was quite embarrassing when I brought my phone to the Swisscom shop the other day. I couldn’t figure out how the data storage was properly done and asked them to help me. Well, images are data too, of course. If only I had remembered that earlier! “Fine, let’s see if it worked!” the young apprentice said and clicked on the file reading “images”. Both of us turned the same shade of red when penises of every size and color leapt to our eyes. Instantly I wished for the old mobile phones with which you could only receive calls and every now and again were molested with an obscene text message. Text messages, in comparison to WhatsApp, are reasonably expensive. For that reason guys used to think ten times before sending out smut. If we still today possessed such antique prototypes, I could live on believing that a sheer amicable relationship with men is in fact possible and I would be spared from Gertrud’s porn images. Although, she would probably post them on my Facebook profile instead; and knowing that, I prefer WhatsApp!

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  • Law Robinson 05.6.2013 19.38 Uhr

    I cried laughing reading this post. Although its probably much more true for women I totally recognize this, being a guy!

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    +254712541647 add me pliz

  • John njenga 07.7.2015 17.30 Uhr

    I am a. Good. Man

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